Pear-Shaped

A sordid end

2009-06-10T20:54:00.002+01:00

Unable to handle the pressure of living up to the brilliant reputation left by the original Happy Pear, this week saw the tragic demise of Happy Pear II - a victim of his own apathy and solvent abuse.

At the beginning after he miraculously regenerated, like a rubbish pear-shaped phoenix, from the ashes of Happy Pear, HP II was the picture of health – firm skin and proudly erect stalk. It wasn’t long before he was spitting it on twitter, spreading his sass and irreverence to all and sundry. He got his comeuppance though when giving lip to one of Yellow Team ended up with him taking a tumble from his throne atop the Cream of Your Mum soup. he survived the fall but sustained a nasty bruise. HP II laughed it off, remaining his usual perky and vociferous self, but he didn’t realise that damage was more permanent than it looked.

After only a few days, the bruise became hard and leathery and though HP II tried to convince the lay-deez that it just made him harder and more robust, he couldn’t help but concede it was hindering his pulling success and he was getting increasing more rejections and less sweet lovin’. He became increasingly moody and abusive to those around him, and on twitter, alienating some of the most loyal followers of his first incarnation. One evening while Yellow Team were all at home tucked up in bed, HP II stumbled a pritstick and found the answer he’d been looking for. within days he’d moved to tipp-ex and whiteboard markers and by the end of the week was huffing paint stripper like a trailer trash hooker who no longer gets a kick from intravenous Jim Beam.

The paint stripper was the beginning of the end for the Fructose Philanderer. No longer able to discern reality from illusion, he descended into a downward spiral of solvent abuse and self-neglect. With nothing but fumes to sustain him he soon barely had the energy or the inclination to move and soon started to ooze into a permanent slouch, like the bastard offspring of Jabba the Hutt and a member Green Team.

Before long his very existence spawned complaints as people found themselves ill just from looking at him, and people started asking that he be forcibly removed before his corpulent and pathetic form became a public health hazard. So it was that he was smuggled out one evening and taken to his final resting place. In these, the final pictures taken of Happy Pear II, we see him gazing wistfully at the perfectly preserved form of his predecessor, his final thoughts the realisation that he was destined never to bring the same joy to the world that the first Happy Pear did.

Clumsy

2009-05-14T13:33:00.000+01:00

Some klutz managed to hurl me from my throne at the weekend and despite sterling work from some of the best medical minds in the building, i can't rump bruising. I feel like Sam Jackson in unbreakable.

Brown, wrinkly and easily bruised is not a good look and makes it damned hard to get any trim. Think i might throw myself under a car this week and speed up the regeneration cycle. Then will steer clear of clumsy fuckers in my next life.

A Miracule

2009-04-29T13:35:00.002+01:00

Behold! even death cannot stop Happy Pear, for I are timelord from planet gallifrey. Everyone think religious dipshit Jesus Apple is master of resurrection but Happy Pear haz tha mad skillz. Shortly after confounded nemesis popped cap in my ass, I start regeneration cycle, now back good as new, fresh and firm and ready for give love to the lay-deez once again. Mmm, and I has shiny new teeths too

Happy Pear is dead!
Long live Happy Pear!

Eeeeeeeeep!

2009-04-29T12:07:00.003+01:00

Halp! Friendlings, I fear this is end of Happy Pear. Shitty nemesis finally come through with tank plan and have hunt down Happy Pear this morning. Poor, defenceless Happy Pear take shot at point blank. Everything cold now, don't see so well anymore. When I am gone, the last of the Jedi will you be. So cold. But...there is...another...Happy...Pear...

x_X

All good things

2009-04-28T14:35:00.000+01:00

This week Happy Pear have no been feeling very well, thinking it is old age sinking in. I are all leathery now and no more so good-looking for the lay-deez. I are think it time to set affairs in order before i regenerate into shiny new Happy Pear.

So today i decide make amends with religious dipshit and go for last fishing trip with him and Domo. Have make new raft specially for trip too, have found strange driftwood tree behind Domo so make from this. Is very robust and floaty. Hoping we catch big fuck-off fish even bigger than giant squid from last time.

Is possible you not hear much from your humble narrator after today, i are tired now most of time and feel ready for regeneration. Do not weep for Happy Pear - i come back soon as new Happy Pear to continue fight crime and injustice and for rip piss out of religious dipshit. Until next time, peeplings

We're gonna need a bigger boat

2009-04-10T17:22:00.001+01:00

Today Happy Pear and Domo take religious dipshit on fishing trip for seeing if he really walk on water like say in stupid bibble. Was supposed to be day for putting Jesus Apple on stick but Happy Pear not really believe all that bollocks and only tease Jesus Apple for being religious dipshit.

Happy Pear is kind and benevolent pear so no crucify Jesus Apple but instead take him fishing to keep safe from psycho nemesis evil penevil. Domo have leetle fishing boat on coast so all set off early in mornings with many pole, net and harpoon for big bastard fish.

First half of day no one catch nothing and about to pack up and go to chippy instead when domo get tug on pole (No, was not Jesus Apple get frisky). Preety soon whole boat being dragged along by big fish and domo no can reel in. Happy Pear make lunch for hunting party then hire big boat with fuck-off harpoon on front, then go back out to catch bastard fish.

After nearly whole hour looking, domo finally spot flash of red on horizon, so Happy Pear launch anti-bastard torpedo and then zoom towards target. With harpoon Happy Pear get direct hit first time but takes all of crew, including Jesus Apple's retarded disciples to drag bastard fish on board. Turns out it is giant squid so Happy Pear bring home for trophy. Will look nice on mantelpiece.

Wacky Races

2009-04-09T17:16:00.000+01:00

Happy Pear today see twitterings from stupid nemesis evil penevil saying he have legs soon, trying to make Happy Pear scared. But stupid dipshit pen not know Happy Pear also genius inventor and also have power for making legs. When stupid pen start walking Happy Pear have surprise up sleevies and have awesome mecha-leg 4000 for stomp all over and make him leak stupid ink. Happy Pear no afraid with ultimate weapings for protect self from dipshit nemesis

Writing my Ese

2009-04-09T15:32:00.000+01:00

Today i get letter from my ese in Mexico. He on run from mob boss so i are write him back with details of secret hideout so he come stay with me and also help hide Happy Pear from evil penevil. I are worried now as stupid puta very quiet for last couple days so i worried he trying stem-cell research for make new legs to help him come find secret hideout.

I also tell my ese bring lots of weapings for pop caps in noobling asses. If evil penevil try for genocidal coup Happy Pear be ready for make him like pencil instead of pen - full of lead.

Diary of a young pear

2009-04-08T10:19:00.000+01:00

Today Happy Pear build secret annexe in yellow team cupboard for make hidings from evilpenevil who want to commit fruity genocidings. Happy Pear think he also working with mysterious Service Support team. As you see i have nice tree for make feel like forest and also fake nosings for make disguisings in case penevil send round SS for searching new abode.

Am even consider offer refuge to dipshit cult leader Jesus Apple because he also receive death threat from evil penevil. Probably no use though because i preety sure one of his stupid disciplings is traitor and sell him out. Probably stupid lmaonnaise. If he sell out religious dipshit to penevil, then penevil also find Happy Pear. Is tricky decision.

Art Nouveau

2009-04-07T13:36:00.000+01:00

Hola peeplings! Today i are make sexy art for get delicious girlybeings in mood when come to my laave nest. Is in style of famous sculpturings of Henry moore, brother of famous chick-magnet Roger Moore.

Is design based on ancient Mexican fertility symbol so is subtle but effective and the beetches they laave eet, always they are ask for sexy time after they see eet. Many peeplings is surprised to find is made from only tinfoil so is also good for hinviringments.

Ok i go now, have to go get busy with wood planks for make big present for Jesus Apple for special day on Friday.

To all the girls I've loved before.

2009-04-06T09:21:00.000+01:00

Hola my leetle beanlings! I are today go recording studio with old friend Trulio Disgracias for record smooth laave ballad for entice firm young fillies into Happy Pear laave nest.

Back in 80's Happy Pear have very successful singing career and large following of preety fruitlings who all want make jiggy with Happy Pear in hip 80's bachelor condo with run dmc on boombox. Now Happy Pear back on form and ready for record new album for make sexy time.

Compadre Trulio is virtuoso and is make beautiful musings on traditional Mexican lute. He also have big following and also big hit with lady-beings, so collaboration is make for many girl-peeplings be squelchy and eager for make spitroast with Trulio and Happy Pear.

2009-04-04T08:44:00.000+01:00

Many peeplings is asking Happy Pear 'how you stay look so young and fertile?', so today i show how keep my youthful studliness and not go wrinkly like Jesus Apple.

In this picture you have answer - this chamber of youth. Many happy mammaries in here so this why Happy Pear look so happy in picture. I spend few hours here every night for keep me look young and sexy.

So how it work you wondering? Is easy - work by power of jiggy. Happy Pear get sweet loving here and this keep him looking fresh and tasty. Chamber not responsible for beautiful moustache though - this Happy Pear's own work.

Last night Happy Pear find good time with nice ladygirl make jiggy all night and even outside chamber because new filly like do it in different places, like back of volkswagen. Last night she ask do it where nosy voyeur Jesus Apple can see so i take her on Mr McFly's keyboard and make all sticky so Mr McFly probably cross but Happy Pear no care because was good times.

Viernes Santo

2009-04-03T12:05:00.000+01:00

I is today been doin woodwork. I show religious dipshit who is best carpenter. I give you clue: no is Karen.

Twitterstats of the Beast

2009-04-03T09:30:00.001+01:00

I are have awesome stats this morning. I show to Jesus apple and he quake in his stupid Jesus boots. hahaha.

I are Twitteracitive

2009-04-02T14:48:00.002+01:00

If you are enjoying digest my nomulicious blog, mayhaps you are also like my tweets. Find out what i are nominating for lunchings, when i change my pants, what attention i are getting from crisp and firm lady-pears and myriad other exciting pear necessities. be pear or be square.

Ruff in the Jungle Bizness

2009-04-02T11:51:00.001+01:00

Hola peeplings! Today i are having jungle adventure, which mostly involve running away from predator. Many many animalings are thinking Happy Pear contain large number of nomulons so have to be keep vigilant.

Wanted to bring Jesus Apple but he scaredy cat no want to come in case get lost because Jungle is Massiv! So instead i go solitary mission to trace ancestors. Already have good conversations with distant relation Prickly Pear. He have even bigger moustache than Happy Pear, but is not so good with the laydeez. Mayhaps is because Happy Pear keep moustache waxed for look sexy.

Now must go find beetles to eat in bush tucker trial like celebritings on telly box, except Happy Pear A-list celebritings. Be good my leetle nooblings! Till next times

Twinings Honour Happy Pear

2009-04-01T14:42:00.000+01:00

Hola nooblings!

Today I are very Happy Pear as find out mucho bueno tea peeplings Twinings are making Happy Pear tea. Hoping it are only flavourings in honour of genius of Happy Pear, and not made of bits of fruity brethren

Social Networking

2009-04-01T12:15:00.000+01:00

Hola gringos! Today your humble narrator go visit good friend Domo. Here you see Happy Pear with Domo, who are very pleased seeing me as you can tell from picture.

After exciting game of scrabble (Happy Pear win with 'cojones' on triple word) Domo make nice tea with acorns and exotic cheeses. Domo is very good chef and good friend. He listen when i stressed from JesusApple pushing his dogma on poor HappyPear.

For april fool i tell JesusApple's disciples that all world made in 7 days and JesusApple is son of great greengrocer in the sky. They totally believe me. Ha ha, gullible dipshits.

Ok i go now, got hot date with squid. Hasta luego muchachos

A Happy Launch for Happy Pear

2009-03-31T17:55:00.001+01:00

Hola Amigos! Happy Pear here. I am so glad you are dropping by to read my blog. For launch I commission this beautiful portrait of your humble narrator. I will posting here all interesting things that happen to me in my life, and also happenings of my good amigo Jesus Apple. He very worried about next week with all this talk of Easter and Jesus on a stick. I tell him, better than be eaten by tech support. So, I go now waxing my moustache for extra shine for the laydeez. Remember, if you see pear, Lick The Pear!