Unable to handle the pressure of living up to the brilliant reputation left by the original Happy Pear, this week saw the tragic demise of Happy Pear II - a victim of his own apathy and solvent abuse.
At the beginning after he miraculously regenerated, like a rubbish pear-shaped phoenix, from the ashes of Happy Pear, HP II was the picture of health – firm skin and proudly erect stalk. It wasn’t long before he was spitting it on twitter, spreading his sass and irreverence to all and sundry. He got his comeuppance though when giving lip to one of Yellow Team ended up with him taking a tumble from his throne atop the Cream of Your Mum soup. he survived the fall but sustained a nasty bruise. HP II laughed it off, remaining his usual perky and vociferous self, but he didn’t realise that damage was more permanent than it looked.
After only a few days, the bruise became hard and leathery and though HP II tried to convince the lay-deez that it just made him harder and more robust, he couldn’t help but concede it was hindering his pulling success and he was getting increasing more rejections and less sweet lovin’. He became increasingly moody and abusive to those around him, and on twitter, alienating some of the most loyal followers of his first incarnation. One evening while Yellow Team were all at home tucked up in bed, HP II stumbled a pritstick and found the answer he’d been looking for. within days he’d moved to tipp-ex and whiteboard markers and by the end of the week was huffing paint stripper like a trailer trash hooker who no longer gets a kick from intravenous Jim Beam.
The paint stripper was the beginning of the end for the Fructose Philanderer. No longer able to discern reality from illusion, he descended into a downward spiral of solvent abuse and self-neglect. With nothing but fumes to sustain him he soon barely had the energy or the inclination to move and soon started to ooze into a permanent slouch, like the bastard offspring of Jabba the Hutt and a member Green Team.
Before long his very existence spawned complaints as people found themselves ill just from looking at him, and people started asking that he be forcibly removed before his corpulent and pathetic form became a public health hazard. So it was that he was smuggled out one evening and taken to his final resting place. In these, the final pictures taken of Happy Pear II, we see him gazing wistfully at the perfectly preserved form of his predecessor, his final thoughts the realisation that he was destined never to bring the same joy to the world that the first Happy Pear did.
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